Humor

HUMOR

As the name suggests, this page will present on a regular basis, probably weekly, items which tickled the fancy of the webmaster. Hope you enjoy it.

Warning - This page may carry immature content not suitable for young browsers! Have your ID ready!

For Laughing Out Loud!

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, I would like to join this damn church.
The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?
Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!
I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.
The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, Sir, what seems to be the problem here?
There is no damn problem, the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.
I see, said the pastor.....And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running ".

This is what makes Canada great…..especially in winter.
I

WINTER POEM

It's winter in Canada!

And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada

When the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around

I could never leave Canada

I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

A man was driving through town, when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

READ TO THE VERY END - IMPORTANT

Sign in the front window of an Ontario store........unbelievable!

SIGN IN A BUSINESS WINDOW, HERE IN ONTARIO!!!!

"WE WOULD RATHER
DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE CANADIAN SOLDIER!"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Ontario and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory sign.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps one of our greatest liberties.

And after all, it is only a sign, right?

You may ask :
"What kind of business would dare post such a sign?"

Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)
You gotta love it!!!

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They’'re such asses...

This is the answer to fight off "SWINE FLU"

No charge for the info, as this is a public service notice.

How To Avoid The

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day..

Go for a swim..

Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach..
Think about it...
When you go for a flu shot,what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why ???

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS..
So......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my lager ...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up
flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said...
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'

Live Well and Laugh Often !

Now wasn't that GOOD advice?

That's good to know!