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HUMOR

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As the name suggests, this page will present on a regular basis, probably weekly, items which tickled the fancy of the webmaster. Hope you enjoy it.

 

Warning  - This page may carry immature content not suitable for young browsers! Have your ID ready!

 

        For Laughing Out Loud!   


Here's some things you probably didn't know!

 

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The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.
********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
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You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.
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Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
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The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.
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The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
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American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.
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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN!
************************************************************************ ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS MELT

IN VINEGAR!
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

************************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
***************************************************

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
 


THIS IS REALLY GOOD

A lawyer in Charlotte,North Carolina purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

 


Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

 

"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.

 

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

 

 

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

 

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.

Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly

little cute..... And clean jokes

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."


Actual Exchanges Between Pilots and Control Towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************************************************************************************************** Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

**************************************************************************************************** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

**************************************************************************************************** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

******************************************************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

******************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

 Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."


The new Supermarket near my town has an automatic

water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of

distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows

mooing and detect the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck

and cackle -- and the air is filled with the pleasant

aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.....

 


We need more organic farmers!