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In honour of the tax season I thought I'd do a page on "You know it is tax/audit time when"

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.


I. Getscrewed Everyear


If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Either of which is probably tax deductible.


If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.


What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.


When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.


What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.


What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.


What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.


Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.


There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.


How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.


What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?


An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.



For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.


People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types: men and women.


"What's the difference between an overzealous tax auditor and a rottweiler? Answer: "A rottweiler eventually lets go!"


"How can you tell when a tax auditor is trying to trap you into a confession?" Answer: "When his lips are moving."


"Why do sharks not attack tax auditors?" Answer: "Professional courtesy."

Due to taxation, politicians find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits.

To err is human - and to blame it on the Government is even more so.


Death: "to stop paying taxes suddenly."


Where there's a will there's a tax shelter.


Tax loopholes are like parking meters. As soon as you see one they're gone.


A dollar saved is bound to be taxed.


The ideal solution is for the Government to live within its means not yours.


Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The tax office is of the same opinion.


A 35 year old Chartered Accountant died of a heart attack and challenged St Peter "why now?" "Well" said St Peter, "we looked at the bills you have sent your clients and reckoned you must have been at least 90 to have charged that many billable hours."


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."


A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"

"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."


A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."


Q. What is the difference between a terrorist and a tax inspector?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.


Q. What has lots of arms and legs
A. A happy and successful tax inspector


Q. How can you tell when a tax inspector is trying to trap you into a confession?
A. When his lips are moving.


Q. Why do sharks not attack tax advisers?
A. Professional courtesy.


Q. What's the difference between a tax adviser and an angry bull?
A. The tax adviser charges more.


What would a tax form be without rhetorical questions?


Why is simplification such a long word?


Taxation with representation isn't up to much either.


The current tax regime is doing a lot for small business; the problem is before this tax regime it was big business.


A tax conscience is the small inner voice that tells you that Special Compliance office will be writing to you.


Isn't it depressing that its only average tax advisers who are always at their best.


It is good to be sent tax returns by pessimistic tax inspectors - they don't expect to get them back.


There are two sides to a debate on tax; until a tax adviser takes one.


I don't drink, smoke or drive a car - Mr. Brown says I'm a tax avoider.


If taxes are the answer, what was the question?


Insanity comes from overtaxing a clever mind.


If you want to foil that Inland Revenue computer fill out your self-assessment form using Roman numerals.


With tax reliefs exceptions always outnumber entitlements.


31 January is the only day when blanks can kill.


The Inland Revenue make mistakes: taxpayers are negligent.


Haggis and tax laws are both the result of bloody processes; the end result is a mystery and you wouldn't want to watch either being made.


Having tax lawyers draft tax law is like having doctors make diseases.


Children who never come when called will grow up to be tax advisers. Children who come before they are called will join Special Compliance Office.


The Inland Revenue believe the Self Assessment Tax Return was a success - unfortunately the taxpayers were failures.


The Inland Revenue's computer believes that the generation of names for random audit is too important to be left to chance.


Trust taxpayers - then cut the cards


Do your tax return before breakfast and nothing worse will happen to you all day.


The Lord giveth and the Inland Revenue taketh away.


Due to taxation, politicians find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits.


The Eiffel Tower is Canary Wharf after taxes.


Will self assessment mean that the United Kingdom becomes a land of untold wealth?


To err is human - and to blame it on the Inland Revenue is even more so.


If all tax advisers were laid end to end, they would not reach an opinion.


In tax rules, miscellaneous is always the largest category.


The Inland Revenue may be lucky to be going so slowly on self assessment as they may be going in the wrong direction.


For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.


If the tax office don't treat you as they should - be thankful.


783. The Devil's number (including VAT).


Where there's a will there's a tax shelter.


A penny saved is bound to be taxed.


If the meek inherit the earth will they get agricultural property relief?


If the Inland Revenue want your opinion on Self Assessment they will ask you to fill out the necessary forms.


It is said that Self Assessment is the dawn of a new error.


Why do you bury VAT inspectors 12 foot down instead of six foot. Because deep down they're really quite nice.


Definition of 20p - 1 with all the taxes taken out


I don't have a tax solution, but I admire the problem


New dance craze, the Chancellor's Excuse Me - one step forward, two steps back, then sidestep the issue.


Is a clergyman's tax return full of "nones"?


If the chance of getting a tax audit is 1000 to 1, why is it 50/50 that it will be you?


A detailed analysis of tax strategy usually reveals that the best time to take positive tax action is last year.


I like being sent tax returns by pessimistic tax inspectors--they never expect to get them back


A tax inspector is someone who persists in holding his own view even after we've enlightened him with ours


There are two sides to a debate on tax: until you take one


For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.


Due to taxation, politicians find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits.


Golf is a lot like taxes --
you drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.


Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day, and ends with cries of "May Day!" ?


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"

The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."


Feeling stressed out before your audit?
Relax and enjoy this new stress relief method...

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the IRS agent who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up...just for a quick breath...then ploop!...back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

You are relaxed and at peace.

"Tax Jokes - One-Liners
Ambition in America is still rewarded . . . with high taxes.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

It's hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

We often wonder if automation will ever replace the taxpayer.

There was a time when $200.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.

The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

Capital Punishment: Congress comes up with a new tax.

Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

The path of civilization is paved with tax receipts.

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay

Congress not to raise taxes?

Congress thinks it's alot easier to trim the taxpayers than expenses.

Congress does some strange things. it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.
One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes . . . cash, check or money order.

The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.
The wealth of experience is one possession that hasn't been taxed . . . .yet.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

This country is as free today as it ever was. . . unless, of course, you happen to be a taxpayer.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.

Our government really takes care of us. They even give us free income tax forms.

President Herbert Hoover was the first President to give his salary back to the government. Now the government would like everbody to do it.

Everybody works for the government, either on the payroll or the taxroll.

A man's home is his castle. At least that's how he feels when he pays taxes on it.

The honeymoon is over when the bride begins to feel like she was never anything but a tax deduction to him.

Don't you long for the good old days when Uncle Sam lived within his income and without most of yours?

Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding.

It's too bad for the middle income person. They earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.

It's strange how a person with no sense of humor can come up with such funny answers on his/her tax return.

When making out your tax return, it's better to give than to deceive.

I hate junk mail . . .and that includes the tax forms they send me.

When it comes to income tax, most of us would be willing to pay as we go if we could only catch up on where we've been.

An income tax return is like a girdle. If you put the wrong figure in it your are likely to get pinched.

Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

After a man pays his income tax, he knows how a cow feels after she's been milked.

The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: (1)

How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2.

It is generally agreed that the income tax is the government's idea of instant poverty.

An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

When they consider candidates for the next Pulitzer Prize for the best definitive biography, many a man would be delighted to submit his last income-tax report.

Loafing is the only way to beat the income tax.

Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction section of the income-tax forms.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

People who squawk about their income tax can be divided into two classes: men and women.

If you want to get even with the income-tax people, get Junior to work out your tax return using the new math.

The average man knows as much about the atomic bomb as he does about his income-tax form.

Income taxes are not so bad and certainly could be worse.

Suppose we had to pay on what we think we are worth?

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

What the present income-tax form needs is a section which would explain the explanations.

When making out your income-tax report, be sure you don't overlook your most expensive
dependent - the government.

It has almost reached the point where, if a person takes a day off, he falls behind in his income-tax payments.
Income-tax forms are nothing more than the government's quiz program.

Some of us can recall the day when a person who had to pay income tax was considered to be wealthy.

No stretch of the imagination is as complete as the one used in filling out income-tax forms.

Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast.

It is difficult to predict the future of an economy in which it takes more brains to figure out the tax on our income than it does to earn it.

Income-tax forms should be printed on Kleenex because so many of us have to pay through the nose.

We wouldn't mind paying income tax if we could know which country it's going to.

Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list Uncle Sam as a dependent.

In 1913 Uncle Sam collected only 13 million dollars in income taxes. That's why they were called the "good old days."

The guy who said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.

Come to think of it, these income-tax forms leave little to the imagination and even less to the taxpayer.

Just thinking about income taxes often taxes the mind - which is something people once said the IRS couldn't do.

Making out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.

Trying to curb inflation by raising taxes is like giving a drunk another drink to sober him up.

If you think you can keep everything to yourself, . . . the IRS doesn't.

If the IRS gave green stamps, thousands of Americans would look forward to paying their income tax.

Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other takes the cash.

A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made - Uncle Sam has all the others.

A harp is a piano after taxes.

We need to change our National Anthem to "Deep in the Heart of Taxes."

A good name is to be chosen over great riches. It's tax free! . . . so far.

No respectable person is in favor of nudity, but after paying taxes, some of us may not have any other choice.

What this country needs most is a SPCTT - The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Taxpayers.

Patriotism will probably never develop to the point of parading in honor of the "unknown taxpayer."

A dyed-in-the-wool patriot is one who says he's sorry he has only one income to give to his country.

The real patriot is a person who saves enough of his salary each week to pay his income tax.

A politician is a man who never met a tax he didn't try to hike.
Wouldn't it be grand if politicians would fight poverty with something besides taxes?

After all is said and done, the politicians say it and the taxpayers do it.

It is reported that the politicians in Washington are thinking of abolishing the income tax and taking the income.

Regardless of who wins the election they have to raise taxes to pay for the damage.

If our President wants to abolish poverty, he can do it by abolishing the IRS.

Poverty is what you experience the day after you pay your income tax.

One of the biggest advantages of being poor is that you'll never have to undergo the trauma of a tax audit.

The chaplains who pray for the United States Senate and the House of Representatives might speak a word now and then on behalf of the taxpayers.

Unquestionably, there is progress every where. The average American now pays out as much in taxes as he formerly received in wages.

With a billion dollar budget, it ought to be possible to set aside enough money to teach the IRS the basic English necessary to write a readable income-tax form.

Another American invention is the permanent temporary tax.
The best tax law is the one that gets the most feathers with the least squawking.

Which has made the biggest liars out of Americans - golf or the income tax?

A man admitted he lied on his income-tax return - he listed himself as the head of the household!

Life is one dodge after another - cars, taxes, and responsibilities.

The best things in life are free - plus tax, of course.

The way the cost of living and taxes are today, you might as well marry for love.

The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850. He has to in order to get his taxes paid.

A serious impediment to a successful marriage these days is the difficulty of supporting both the government and a spouse on one small income.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth - less 40 percent inheritance tax.

When the time comes for the meek to inherit the earth, taxes will most likely be so high that they won't want it.

The meek may inherit the earth just in time to see it sold for taxes.

Of course you can't take it with you, and with high taxes, lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses you can't leave it behind either.

Benjamin Franklin had an axiom, "A penny saved is a penny earned." But that was before the sales tax was invented.

A dime is a dollar with all the various taxes deducted.

The reward for saving money is being able to pay our taxes without borrowing.

Our beloved country has made remarkable progress. Now politicians have arranged to spend taxes before they collect them.

A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.

We may need tax reform, but it seems we need a lot of spending reform too.

The futility of riches is stated very plainly in two places: the Bible and the income-tax form.

In Russia the people have only what the government gives them; in America the people have only what the government does not take away from them in taxes.

If science says nothing is impossible, how about a mechanical taxpayer?

Science has increased our life span considerably. Now we can look forward to paying our taxes at least ten years longer.

Space scientists have made an analysis of the lunar soil. It shows that corn can't be raised on the moon, but it's great for raising taxes.

At no time is it easier to keep your mouth shut than during an audit of your income-tax return.

Our government could raise unlimited revenue simply by taxing sin.

Being a success today means the government takes away in taxes what you used to dream of earning.

An American can consider himself a success when it costs him more to support the government than to support a family.
Patrick Henry ought to come back and see what taxation with representation is like.

The greatest general to emerge from any war is general taxation.
Taxation is the gentle art of picking the goose in such a way as to secure the greatest amount of feathers with the least amount of squawking.

The ideal form of taxation is the kind that will be paid by somebody else. Our forefathers should have fought for representation without taxation!

The fourth of July, 1776 - that's when we declared our freedom from unfair British taxation. Then, in 1777, we started our own system of unfair taxation.

Taxation is a lot like sheep shearing. As long as you shear a sheep it will continue to produce a new crop of wool. But you can skin the animal only once.

In two hundred years we've gone from taxation without representation to taxation without

If something new has been added, it's probably another tax.

The man who said taxes would keep you halfway broke was a lousy judge of distance.

The only thing left to tax is the wolf at door.

Why don't high taxes and high prices marry and settle down?

Is there any human activity that isn't tax licensed, regulated, or restricted?

It looks like we all will eventually make a living collecting taxes from one another.

Stay on your job and pay your taxes promptly. Thousands of workers in the government bureaus are counting on you.

A penny saved is a penny taxed.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

When it comes to a tax reduction, never has so little been waited for by so many for so long.

Why not slap a tax on political gas?

After paying all our taxes we're tempted to call Washington and try to get ourselves declared a disaster area.

Another difference between death and taxes is that death is frequently painless.

You really can't beat the game. If you earn anything, it's minus taxes. If you buy anything it's plus taxes.

One hopeful note on hidden taxes is that there can't be many more places to hide them.

We wonder why they call them "tax returns" when so little of it does.

The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.

We all get excited these days about paying taxes because we never know which country our money is going to.

It will be real nice if taxes get down to where we can afford to make a living.

What's all this howling about hidden taxes? We wish they would hide all of them.

Next year will be the year they lower taxes . . . it always is.

Breathing seems to be about the only activity in this country that isn't taxed . . . yet.

It's about time that somebody invents a tax that can't be hiked.
There's a "tax cocktail" on the market - two drinks and you withhold nothing.

I know a man who says he's going to invest his money in taxes - it's the only sure
thing to go up.

Old taxes never die - they just change their names.

A window sign in Chicago: "Tax Returns Prepared - Honest Mistakes Are Our Specialty."

Nowadays anybody who puts two and two together also has to add in the sales tax.

About the only thing good about those withholding taxes is that a fellow doesn't get so mad all at once.

Increasing taxes to stop inflation makes about as much sense as fanning a fire to cool its heat.

A "slight tax increase" costs you about $300, while a "substantial tax cut" lowers your taxes by about $30.

Some tax loopholes become nooses.

Death and taxes are inevitable, but death doesn't repeat itself.

When Congress tries to decide between two new taxes, it's like a woman deciding between two dresses - she usually decides to take both.

If you don't hear some people murmuring about taxes these days, it's probably because so many others are screaming.

Nobody jumps on taxes when they're down.

By the time you finish paying all your taxes, about all you have left is a receipt.

If Congress would repeal the nuisance tax, we wouldn't have any taxes to pay.

They keep telling us about a tax-freeze plan. How about a tax-free plan?

One can be born free and then be taxed to death.
The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

When the average man looks at what he has left after his taxes are paid, he begins to realize that Social Security may have real meaning for him.

No matter how staggering the taxes, they never fall down.

Save your pennies and the sales tax will take care of them.

Whenever one tax goes down, another goes up.

A certain Senator recently informed us that the average American is not "tax conscious," and this is doubtless true. If he shows signs of coming to, he is immediately struck down with another tax.
There's one consolation about life and taxes - when you finish the former, you're through with the latter.

We have been anesthetized by hidden taxes, hypnotized by indirect taxes, and pulverized by camouflaged taxes.

A politician will consider every way of reducing taxes except cutting expenses.

Even if money could bring happiness, think what the luxury tax would be!

The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing.

A tax-dodger is a man who does not love his country less, but loves his money more.

Everything we have is taxed - even our patience.

Thinking is one thing that no one has ever been able to tax - but the IRS is getting jealous about the situation.

"What you don't know doesn't hurt you" doesn't apply to the hidden taxes in the things you buy.

A man pays a luxury tax on a leather billfold, an income tax on the stuff he puts into it, and a sales tax when he takes the stuffing out of it.

Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."

It's a mistake to believe that Uncle Sam can open his pocketbook and let you keep yours closed.

No enemy nation could risk invading the United States. It couldn't afford the high taxes.

A tax cut is like motherhood, apple pie, and the Star Spangled Banner - everybody is for it.

We wouldn't mind this "pay-as-you-go" tax so much if we knew what we were paying for and where it was going.